


Back Cherubs

by oedon



Category: Homestuck
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-12
Updated: 2019-04-12
Packaged: 2020-01-12 07:22:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,012
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18441758
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oedon/pseuds/oedon





	Back Cherubs

AND THEN. JOHN EGBERT AWAKENED ALONE IN THE METEOR. NOBODY WAS WATCHING HIM. BUT ME.

HE DID HIS “WINDY THING”. HE WAVED HIS HAMMER AROUND. HE SCREAMED LIKE A GIRL AND THREW A TANTRUM AND DID A WHOLE LOT OF OTHER EMBARASSING SHIT. THAT I REFUSE TO WASTE MY TIME ON.

hey! that's not how it went!

QUIET YOU. AND THEN JOHN. PROCURED FOR HIS NEMESIS. THE CRIMSON-CHEEKED INCREDIBLY HANDSOME AND ATTRACTIVE CHERUB YAOI MAN. WITH GREAT HASTE. 

HOW COULD SUCH A PREPONDEROUSLY GIRTHY AND HANDSOME POWERFUL MAN ESCAPE MY ATTENTIONS. HE PONDERED. BECAUSE HE WAS AN IDIOT WHO DID NOT UNDERSTAND. THAT SOMETIMES. A MAN GAKA LIKE MY SELF. HAS ABILITIES BEYOND HIS PETTY UNDERSTANDING.

AND THEN HE FOUND A HUMAN CLOTH SARSWAPPAGUS WHICH DOES NOT PERFORM THE FUNCTION OF SWAPPING. HE WAS VERY TIRED.

it's called a bed dumb ass!

WHAT KIND OF NAME IS, “ABED DUMB ASS”. THE HUMAN CLOTH SARSWAPPAGUS IS A SPLENDID DEVICE. THAT ALLOWS FOR REST AND RELAXATION. WITHOUT THE UNWELCOME REARRANGEMENT OF PERSONALITIES. TO CALL SUCH A THING DUMB IS STUPID. YOU ARE STUPID.

THE JOHN HUMAN DID NOT EXPECT THAT I WOULD BE LURKING IN THE SHADOWS. OF WHICH THERE WERE MANY. AND TACKLE HIM FROM THE REAR. SURPRISING HIM WITH AN EXPERIENCED TECHNIQUE OF THE ANCIENT YAOI MASTERS.

THE ATTACK PROVED SO SUCCESSFUL, HE WAS RENDERED IMMOBILE IMMEDIATELY!

it was a really good massage, that's all!

SILENCE. EVEN A MASTER POET. SUCH AS MYSELF, CANNOT TELL A STORY PROPERLY. WITH CONSTANT INTERRUPTIONS. FROM THE LIKES OF INFERIOR BEINGS. SUCH AS YOU.

MY FINGER GYRATIONS. PROVED TO BE ENOUGH TO WEAKEN THE HUMAN'S LEGS. AND I. IN MY INFINITE BENEVIOLENCE. SHOVED HIM TO THE CLOTH SARSWAPPAGUS. WHERE I CONTINUED TO SUBDUE HIM.

don't say it like that, it sounds weird!

JOHN. HELP ME HELP YOU. I CAN UNLOCK THE RAW POWER. LYING WITHIN. IF ONLY YOU LET ME INTO YOU.

what? no! get off my back, you creep!

NO. WHY MUST YOU INTERRUPT ME CONSTANTLY. WHEN I AM A SIMPLE ARTIST, TRYING TO TELL A STORY? I CAN EVEN ACCEPT SUGGESTIONS. EVEN FROM DUMB FUCKS LIKE YOU. BECAUSE UNLIKE YOU, JOHN. I AM GOING TO BE THE BIGGER MAN HERE. AND LOOK PAST THE TRANSGRESSIONS YOU COMMITTED AGAINST ME. SUCH AS BEATING ME UP. AND WANTING TO DO IT AGAIN. AND BEING SOMEONE WHO I WANT TO KILL.

but you want to kill everyone!

YES. BUT I AM AN ARTIST. FIRST AND FORE MOST. I DO NOT LET SUCH TRIVIAL DETAILS DEFINE ME! BUT LET'S FOCUS ON WHAT REALLY MATTERS. WHICH IS YOU. BEING IN MY POSSESSION. AND YOUR SUPPLE BOY FLESH. 

LOOK AT THESE SHOULDERS. THEY ARE SHOULDERS OF A STATUE. STIFF. HARD. UNMOVING. HOW CAN YOU EVER HOPE TO DEFEAT ME, WITH SUCH STIFFNESS? A MAN MUST BE FLEXIBLE. TO RESPOND TO ANY SITUATION WITH UNYIELDING SWIFTNESS. AND YOU DON'T SEEM VERY GAY TO ME.

i am not a homosexual!

THERE ARE MANY THINGS. WHICH YOU AREN'T. BUT AFTER I AM FINISHED. YOU WILL BE A MAN. 

I WAS ONCE. EXCEEDINGLY GAY WITH A YOUNG HUMAN. THAT HUMAN WAS NOT UNLIKE YOU. MADE OF DELICIOUS MEAT. BUT HE COULD NOT APPRECIATE MY MEAT. WHICH IS NOT MEAT. BUT ACTUALLY SOME SORT OF HARD BONE. THAT IS NOT TOO HARD FOR MY JAW. AND WHICH YOU CAN NOW FEEL ON YOUR FLESH.

HE WAS WEAK. LIKE A BITCH. I COULD EASILY DISMISS HIM. BUT I DIDN'T. AS IT OCCURRED TO ME THAT I WOULD BE THE ONE TO MAKE HIM HARD. TO PLANT THE SEEDS OF MY OWN DEFEAT. SO THAT I MAY RISE AGAIN. THROUGH THE ALPHA MALE'S FLOPPY LITTLE MAN. WHICH I WOULD FILL WITH MY ESSENCE.

THAT'S RIGHT. MY PLAN WAS TO GIVE HIM A BONER. AND HE GOT ONE.

YOU (YOU) THINK THE ABOVE SENTENCE LOOKS FAMILIAR. YOU THINK YOU HAVE SEEN THIS GREAT SENTENCE BEFORE, IN A DIFFERENT CONTEXT. PERHAPS IN ANOTHER FANFICTION. WHICH WAS ALSO AUTHORED BY ME. AND RELEASED ON THIS SAME DAY. THIS IS WHAT MASTER STORY TELLERS (SUCH AS MYSELF) REFER TO AS A "NON-VISUAL CALLBACK". TRULY EXCEPTIONAL PROFESSIONALS OFTEN WILL TAKE SOME OLD WORDS THEY SAID. THAT SHOW A SIMILAR SITUATION. AND DO A COUPLE OF HALF ASSED THINGS. LIKE CHANGE THEM UP A LITTLE. TO MAKE IT SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT. AND SAVE TIME IN THE PROCESS.

YOU (STILL YOU) OBSERVE THAT THIS INGENIOUS FEAT OF LAZINESS. MAKES THIS SENTENCE SEEM MORE PROFOUND THAN IT ACTUALLY IS. FOR REASONS YOU MIGHT NOT UNDERSTAND. BECAUSE THEY DON'T EXIST. THIS IS A TRADE SECRET AMONG SKILLED ARTISANS SUCH AS I.

TELL WHOEVER YOU WANT ABOUT THIS. BECAUSE IT IS OBVIOUS. AND INTENTIONALLY SO. AS I HAVE DISCOVERED. POST MODERN MAXIMALISM. AND THE FACT THAT BY CLOAKING MY WORDS. IN A DECEIT OF IRONY. THAT IS NOT IRONY. I CAN ACHIEVE NEW HEIGHTS OF SELF REFERENTIAL STUPIDITY I COULD NOT PREVIOUSLY REACH. IT IS A TESTAMENT TO MY SKILL WITH THE WORDS. AND ALL MANNERS OF ART. TO THE BLACK HOLE OF MANY COLORS THAT IS MY GRAVITY RAINBOW. YOU ARE TRAPPED IN MY INFINITE JEST.

TRULY. I AM THE ULYSSES OF THE INTERNET. BLINDING HATERS AND PLEBEIANS ALIKE. WITH ARROWS MADE OF HAND CRAFTED WORDS OVER AN OPEN FIRE. THE FIRE BEING MY INTELLECT FED ON FACTS AND LOGIC AND MADE INVINCIBLE.

who are you even talking to?

STOP SQUIRMING. IT IS HARD TO GET A GRIP WHEN YOU KEEP MOVING.

I THOUGHT THE PAGE WOULD SUFFICE. THAT HE WOULD BE A WORTHY OPPONENT. BUT MY LORDLY POWERS SHOW ME THAT HE WILL FAIL TO BRING ME DOWN FOR GOOD. AS I WILL ALWAYS BE INVINCIBLE BY VIRTUE OF MY MIGHT. OF WHICH THERE IS PLENTY. AND MY EXISTENCE. WHICH IS THE LYNCHPIN OF ALL REALITY. 

DO YOU SEE NOW JOHN. THAT BY RELEASING YOU OF YOUR STIFFNESS. THROUGH THE ANCIENT YAOI MASSAGES. I CAN MAKE A WARRIOR STRONG ENOUGH TO POSE A CHALLENGE TO ME. AND JUST MAYBE. DEFEAT ME IN RESPECTABLE MANBRO COMBAT.

oh don't worry, i will kick your ass as soon as i get out of here.

THAT'S THE SPIRIT. 

A MAN. A WARRIOR. IS SUPPOSED TO EXCEL. HE CAN'T BE "TOO EXCELLENT." AND YOUR BODY IS NOT YET THAT OF A WARRIOR. WHICH IS WHY I AM MASSAGING YOU. SO WE MAY BE TRUE DUDEBROS. STANDING AMONGST THE RUINS OF THE WORLDS. ON TOP OF A MOUNTAIN OF CORPSES. BELONGING TO THE HATERS. AS WE FIGHT AT THE END OF TIME.

FOR THAT. I MUST GROOM WARRIOR MALES. TO KEEP THE TRADITION OF OLD EONS ALIVE. AND SO THAT I MAY HAVE BATTLES. THAT AREN'T COMPRISED OF ME HANDING THE BITCHES AND MALES THEIR ASSES. AND THAT MAYBE. JUST MAYBE. I MAY COME TO FIND SOMEONE WORTHY ENOUGH TO DEFEAT ME.

didn't you tell me you were immortal or something? 

YES. BUT DESPITE MY IMMORTALITY. I AM NOT FLAWLESS. EVEN IF I AM VERY CLOSE. AND AN ASCENDED ARTISAN. PROFICIENT IN ALL MANNER OF ART. AND STORY TELLING. EVEN I AM NOT COMPLETELY UNDEFEATABLE.

and what does that mean?

IT MEANS I HAVE FLAWS THAT CAN BE EXPLOITED, YOU DUMB FUCK. THAT FOR ALL THE POWER I HAVE. I AM NOT IMMUNE TO ROUGHHOUSING. AS THE JAKE HUMAN WILL SHOW IN DUE TIME. AND THAT FOR ALL MY IMMORTALITY. I AM NOT IMMUNE TO MORTALITY.

i don't think that makes sense.

I ASSURE YOU IT DOES. WHEN YOU HAVE AS MUCH FORESIGHT AS ME. WHICH YOU WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND. AS A LOWLY HEIR. AND AS A LOWLY HUMAN. AND AS SOMEONE WHO ISN'T ME. WHO IS DEEPLY ACQUAINTED WITH THE MECHANICS. OF TIME AND CAUSALITY.

ALLOW ME. TO ORALLY DRAW YOU A PICTURE.

AND TELL YOU A STORY. 

no! let me go! i won't even fight you anymore, just let me out!

YOU ARE NOTHING BUT A HUMAN AND A HEIR. YOU WILL LISTEN TO YOUR LORD.

THERE WAS ONCE A MAN OF REMARKABLE MUSCLES. ROUGH. COARSE. CHISELED. HE GOT IN EVERY FIGHT. HE BEAT UP ALL THE OTHERS. AND GAVE THE BITCHES WHAT WAS COMING TO THEM. AS WELL AS WHAT THEY DESERVED. THROUGH HIM, ENEMIES WERE DISPATCHED. ALLIES WERE SUBJUGATED. BALANCES KNOCKED OVER. BY HIS METEORIC RISE TO THE TOP. 

BUT AS THE HARDCORE BRAWLING BRUTE LAID ATOP THE PEAK OF THE METAPHORICAL MOUNTAIN, HE REALIZED SOMETHING. THAT WHEN ON TOP OF THE WORLD. THERE IS NOBODY LEFT TO FIGHT. THERE ARE NO MORE THRILLS, NO MORE HEROES. NO MORE BEASTS, NO MORE GODS. THERE WAS ONLY HIM. AND NOTHING ELSE. 

AND AS HE WITNESSED THE HORIZON AND ALL THAT LAID BENEATH, HE UNDERSTOOD. THAT IF ONE BECOMES ALL-POWERFUL, THERE IS NO LONGER A STRUGGLE. THE ASSES HAVE ALL BEEN HANDED OVER TO THE HATERS, AND THE PRIZES ARE ALL HIS. WHERE IS THE FUN IN THAT?

dude, i don't care. just stop doing whatever it is you're doing and let me go.

SO HE LEAVES. TO GROOM AND FIND SOMEONE WORTHY ENOUGH TO FIGHT. AND MAYBE. JUST MAYBE. FIND SOMEONE POWERFUL ENOUGH TO STAND BESIDES HIM ABOVE EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE.

wait, do you...

do you want ME to be your friend?

OF COURSE NOT. YOU DIM WITTED SHIT-STAIN. THERE IS NO PLACE FOR FRIENDSHIP IN SOMEONE LIKE ME. ONLY THE ARTS. AND THE FIGHT. AND HATRED OF ALL THOSE WHO DARE OPPOSE ME. AND THEN EVERYONE ELSE. 

BUT THE WARRIOR IN THE STORY AND I HAVE MUCH IN COMMON. BE IT LOSING A DEAR FAMILY MEMBER TRAGICALLY. OR THE COMPLETE COMPETENCE AND CONFIDENCE IN DESTROYING EVERYONE WITHOUT EFFORT. BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY. THE DESIRE TO HAVE AN EQUAL IN POWER. AND WHAT MOST FITTING FOR A LORD THAN AN HEIR SUCH AS YOU?

nope, nuh-uh. not happening.

WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT. I WILL DRAW OUT THE WARRIOR I KNOW YOU CAN BE FROM THAT OUTER BISHIE APPEARANCE. THROUGH THESE MASSAGES. I WILL CHANGE THAT WEAK, FRAGILE EXTERIOR. INTO A POWERHOUSE OF DESTRUCTION. WHOSE SCALE IS ONLY AS VAST AS MINE. 

I CAN EVEN GIVE YOU BOONS. LIKE THIS GORGEOUS ASSAULT RIFLE. AND THIS CANE. WHICH YOU CAN SLAP BITCHES AROUND WITH. AND YOUR VERY OWN COAT. WE HAVE A TAILOR, YOU KNOW.

i don't want any of this!  
stop massaging me and let me go!

NOT A COAT PERSON THEN. HOW ABOUT A DAPPER SUIT? MAYBE A JACKET?

no!

WELL, AREN'T YOU AN UNGRATEFUL PERSON. I WORK HARD ON MY ART. I HONE MY SKILLS. I SPEND ERAS PERFECTING THE ARTS OF YAOI WRESTLING AND MASSAGING, PASSED DOWN FOR GENERATIONS AND THE UPLOADED ON THE INTERNET. AND FOR WHAT? FOR NOTHING?

no one asked you, asshole!

YOU ARE THE ASS HOLE, JOHN EGBERT. FOR DISGRACING THIS NOBLE INSTITUTION KNOWN AS ME. IF YOU WANT TO FORSAKE MY TREATMENT. THEN FINE. YOU WILL DIE LIKE ALL THE REST. 

alright, let me go now!

YOU'RE A BREATH PLAYER. YOU COULD HAVE ESCAPED AT ANY MOMENT. YOU DUMB FUCK. BECOME WIND AND VACATE THESE PREMISES. I'M DONE WITH YOU.

oh, i guess you're right.

 

AND THEN THE EGBERT HUMAN VANISHED. LIKE THE COWARD THAT HE WAS. LEAVING ME ALONE TO PONDER IN ALL MY GLORY. BUT ALSO YOU. WHO IS STILL READING THIS FAN FICTION. YOU (YOU) MAY WONDER WHY I CHOSE TO LET HIM GO. 

THE TRUTH IS THAT I LET HIM GO. SO THAT I MAY CAPTURE HIM AGAIN IN ANOTHER TIME. AND IN ANOTHER PLACE. AND OFFER HIM ANOTHER CHANCE. OR TO TORMENT HIS LIFE A LITTLE MORE. BOTH OF WHICH ARE EQUALLY AS DELIGHTFUL OPTIONS.

THIS IS WHAT LOWLY BEINGS REFER TO AS "A TRAP FROM WHICH FOR THEM. THERE IS NO ESCAPE". WHEN YOU (ME) PURPOSEFULLY DO SOMETHING. THAT WOULD OTHERWISE SEEM CONTRADICTORY TO YOUR (MY) PLANS. BUT IN REALITY. IS JUST ANOTHER STEP. IN A MUCH GREATER PLAN. INTELLIGENT MASTER MINDS LIKE MYSELF ARE KNOWN TO PULL SUCH MANNER OF TRICKERY WITH FINESSE AND GRACE. AS I HAVE JUST SHOWN YOU (YOU AGAIN).

STAY TUNED FOR NEXT TIME. WHEREIN I OWN MORE BITCHES COMPLETELY AND WHOLLY. AND GIVE THE EGBERT HUMAN WHAT'S COMING TO HIM.


End file.
